How do your fires burn?

Yesterday, I taught my annual One Day Intensive on Sexuality, Creativity, and Aliveness to a wonderful group of participants. It was a lively day, as we explored a subject that can seem so complicated, with its potential for triggering old issues and exposing the intricacies of trying to connect intimately with another human.

And yet–I felt sad. As the day wore on, it became clear to me that even these folks, who are so motivated to be conscious that they spent a precious Saturday immersed in learning conscious tools, even these wonderfully skilled people believe this myth: That passionate sexual and creative connection are not possible to sustain in long-term relationships.

What, you say? This is a MYTH?

Yep. And it’s an important one. It’s the Achilles heel of relationships, where people expect their ardor to dim and their passion for life, for their partner, to wane. They watch, often with a sense of inevitability and impending doom, as their aliveness decreases, as do their expectations for life to be full of energy and creativity. It’s the perfect set-up for people to choose the momentary pleasures of addiction, adrenaline-seeking activities, and affairs.

What most people don’t yet understand is that decreasing passion is the symptom, not the inevitable outcome. Watching the level of intensity of the fires of passion gives a direct read on one thing: How much authenticity is there in the relationship? 

Imagine the fire of sexuality and connection at the very beginning or a relationship. Often it burns brightly with the initial combustion of two people coming together, letting themselves skate the edge of safety and comfort, stepping into new connection and love. And then…they start to throw dirt on the fire by not telling the truth.

“Oh, I don’t care what we do.” Clod of dirt tossed on.

“Whatever you think, honey.” Another one.

“No, I’m not mad, I’m fine. Just tired, maybe.” Wham.

“Oh, you want to have sex? Well, you got kinda mad the last time I said no, so, well, ok, I guess.” A shovelful from this one.

Maybe it’s a teaspoon at a time, maybe it’s a whole bushel-basket. Bit by bit, the fire dims, unable to get the oxygen its flames need. All because people don’t want to say what they really think, feel what they”re actually feeling. And feel  the vulnerability of someone knowing who they really are, what’s really going on for them.

When I work with couples who don’t feel the fire (aka don’t feel “in love”), it occasionally is true that the fire has gone out completely from years of throwing dirt on it. Much more typical, however, is the almost instantaneous re-combustion that occurs when truths are spoken. Partners wake up, relationships rekindle when one or both people finally get up the nerve to speak the bottom line of their experience.

Do you have the courage to live in the fire?


Try a free month of the Relationship Ride Online Community! Listen to past teleclasses while you sample the RROC. Email Verna at  for more information.




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